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“You really don’t like it?” Kevin was confused.    “No.”    “Not even a little?”    “Not even. It’s just like…” Richard trailed off, cheeks gone high color. He grimaced, and shifted in his place before continuing, “Gross. Gross and fucking wet.”    This was perhaps the worst conversation Richard had ever had, but he was still glad to be having it. Pittsburgh was lonely, and college was hard when you didn’t have any friends. And not for lack of trying, on his part! But he just couldn’t seem to manage that click, the moment, the spark of connection. 

He didn’t know how to talk to people, and he’d missed his family all four years of undergrad and now in grad school. Dysfunctional though they may be, he always knew what to say to them. 

Robert had missed Kevin. Missed his cruel wit and his queasy smile and the subtly fey way he waved his wrists around. Kevin was his cousin, and nine years younger, and histrionic and mean, but he was elegant like a raw diamond and Richard fucking missed him. And for the past few days of break they boy’d seemed so sullen, apart from the family, drawn into himself. He’d been terrified he’d lost his only real friend, terrified Kevin was doing poorly. So, maybe this wasn’t the way he thought the discussion would go when they finally snuck a few beers and ran off to Richard’s room, leaving the rest of the family to their bonfire. But any conversation would do. Kevin was talkative. Even when he was gaping stupidly    “But I mean—Well, surely—” kevin was gazing at his cousin in confusion. “Surely your cock works, right? You do get off, at least?”    He’s always needed, desperately, with a kind of manic fervor at times, for Kevin to think him impressive. Cool. But now, about the question of his theoretical prowess, he could not defend himself.    “Since when is that your business?” Richard mumbled, feeling suddenly very juvenile.    “Since forever!” Kevin enthused, sloshing his beer around. “Since fucking birth. Since my fucking genius, 27 year old cousin just told me he hasn’t gotten any since he was my age.”    “Seventeen. I was seventeen.” This, at least, he could assure himself of. He’d lost his virginity at a perfectly respectable age. Never mind the unpleasant awkwardness and unappealing physicality of the encounter, or how he’d gone soft halfway through and left the girl in tears.    Kevin snorted, breaking him from his reverie, suddenly looking extremely amused.    “Well,” Kevin groused. “This is awkward.”    “Hm?” Richard didn’t know what he was talking about.    “It’s just that you’ve made me feel rather ran-through, now. Dispoilt, even.”    Kevin’s grin was beatific with mischief, and what might have been pride, but Richard was frozen. There was a strange, sick feeling creeping up his esophagus he decided must be horror.    “What, really?” he said, hand clenched around a sweating beer bottle.    Kevin evidently did not catch his tone, because his grin expanded to a face-splitting gash of red lips and teeth and he playfully poked Richard in the ribs.    “Mhm. I lost my virginity at 13 and I’ve had quite a bit of practice since. Actually, I wish we’d talked about this sooner, I have soooo many stories. You’ve missed a lot since you went away, Richie, I’ve been very grown up.”    He bumped their shoulders together, playfully. Richard blanched.    “Oh, don’t give me that look, Richard. I can hardly help it if I’m pretty.”    It was his turn to stare, taking this new information in. It did not settle well, and the bitter feeling persisted.    Thirteen. Right after Kevin left for his senior year in the summer.    So he changed tack, pinching the bridge of his nose before continuing, “Please tell me you’re being safe, at least, that no one’s taking advantage of you—or, or— hurting you—“  Suddenly, he had a lapful of Kevin and a hand over his mouth. The look on the boy’s face was put out, sardonic. Richard batted the hand away and made to speak again but Kevin pressed one slim finger to Richard’s face, silencing him.  “Richard, please. For my sake. Remove that steel rod you’ve got lodged in your anus. I get enough Mothering from Janine as it is. We can’t all be such fucking monks.”  “I’m being serious, Kevin.”  The hard line of the boy’s mouth softened, then, as did his eyes.  “I know. Thank you. But I promise you, I’ve been very responsible.”  Then he smiled, and booped Richard’s nose.  His anxiety waned, as did his frustration and the bitter feeling, and only embarrassment was left to rattle around in his chest. Only it was so much stronger now than it had been just a minute ago. By the time Kevin had slipped away and landed beside him on the bed again, he felt bereft and so much more the fool. He scrubbed at his face.…

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